Guns and Roses
by MrRizzoli
Summary: The story takes place a few months after "Remember Me" and Jane's last encounter with Charles Hoyt. Jane is having nightmares and can only think of one way to deal with it. Possibly Rizzles in the future. Rated M for scenes of rape, depression, self harm, and suicide attempts.
1. Chapter 1

Author's note!: So this is my first fic posted here but not the first I've written.

All dreams/flashbacks and things of that sort will be written in Italics.

Notes/letters/text messages and things of that sort will be written in bold.

Please feel free to review and tell me what you think.  
-

"Everything is perfect." Jane thought out loud. "Maura should be home in about an hour. Table's set. Dinner's in the oven and should be done right before she gets home. Two dozen red and pink roses, Maura will love them. All there is left to do is write this damn letter-slash-note thing. I hate writing."

Jane sat at the kitchen table, a sheet of pristine white paper and her favorite black pen in front of her. Maura had bought Jane the pen as "Just Because" gift, Jane was always losing pens or they ran out of ink, the pen was black adorned with a silver plaque engraved with "My Hero". Jane glanced at the engraving, the irony of it. If Maura only knew.

Jane had been having a lot of problems with coping after her last encounter with Hoyt. When Hoyt threatened not only Jane's own life, but also Maura's, it sent Jane over the edge. She saw red and nothing else when she jammed that scalpel into Hoyt's chest. After Hoyt's death, Jane had been having a recurring nightmare.

_She didn't kill Hoyt, he over powered her, made the small cut to her neck, then made the corrections officer hold Jane up while he walked to Maura. Maura was frantic, begging for not only her life but Jane's as well Hoyt slowly walked behind Maura, stroking her face, running his fingers through dirty blonde tresses. _

_"Don't you fucking touch her!" Jane would scream, "Get your filthy hands off her!"_

_Hoyt smiled, Jane was sure this is what happened to all the other couples Hoyt killed. He would tie one up, usually the husband, and make him watch while Hoyt first had his way with the man's wife and then kill her before killing the husband. _

_"God, please," Jane silently pleaded, "Do not let him rape her."_

_God didn't answer as Hoyt slipped his orange prison uniform pants down to his ankles. _

_"You fuck! I will kill you!" Jane yelled through gritted teeth as the CO jerked her head up, making sure she had a good view. "No! Get your hands off me. And her!"_

_Hoyt moved Maura so she was laying on the hospital bed. Maura was shaking and sobbing uncontrollably while Hoyt climbed on top of her and pushed her skirt up. Jane fought as hard as she could against the CO but he was stronger than her. At the very least, she wanted to turn her head, the CO made sure her eyes were open, every time Jane closed them, he hit her with the butt of his billy club. _

_With his final thrust, after the longest 5 minutes of Jane and Maura's lives, Hoyt pulled the scalpel from a nearby table. _

_"Say goodbye to the good doctor, Janie." And Hoyt slit Maura's throat._

Jane always woke up after that part of the nightmare. Just thinking about it now, made Jane cry. Her perfect white paper now stained with tears.

**Dear Maura, **  
**I'm sorry I called out today, I woke up feeling lousy which is also why I left a note and went back home. I cooked you dinner, Ma's vegetable lasagna, just for you. A bottle of your favorite wine is chilling by the sink. There's also dessert in the fridge, cannolis from Mike's on Hanover, I know they're your favorite. So, I want you to have nice dinner then when you're done with dinner, there's another note for you on the coffee table. **

**Love, **  
**Jane**

** P.S. I hope you don't mind, I left Jo here, she loves you and I'm too sick to let her out.**

Jane folded the note in half, wrote Maura's name on the outside, gave Jo Friday a pat and a kiss on the snout before picking up her off duty weapon, attaching it to her hip, and walking out. The drive home seemed to take a little longer than usual, her head filled with thoughts of Hoyt, Korsak, Frost, her brothers, Ma, and Maura. When she finally arrived home, she locked the door and headed straight for the bathroom. Maybe a nice hot shower could get these thoughts outta her head.


	2. Chapter 2

Author Note: This chapter is short too. I promise they WILL get longer but right now, where these two chapters have ended, it was the only place that made sense to end them. Anyway, once again the bold is a note. During the reading of the note, the words that are NOT bold is being said out loud, just so there is no confusion.

This chapter deals with self harm and a suicide attempt so please be aware of that.

Feel free to leave reviews or even message me if you have any questions, comments, or anything like that. I'm a nice guy, I promise. =]  
-

Maura pulled down her street at the same time Jane was leaving. Maura tried Jane's phone but it went straight to voicemail.

"It must have died," Maura tried to rationalize but even she knew there was something fishy about the situation. Jane is a homicide detective, her phone should always be on.

When she pulled into her driveway, she saw the kitchen lights on through the front window. Unlocking the door, she knew Jane had been here, Maura never locks the deadbolt but it was locked.

She walked into the house to a magnificent smell, "Angela's vegetable lasagna. Jane cooked me dinner and left?"

Maura almost missed the note on the table had it not been for the two dozen roses. The note was standing in front of the roses, Maura smiled.

"Red and pink, my favorite." She said as she opened the note and started to read.

Maura read the note and debated reading the second one now but knew if Jane asked, she wouldn't be able to lie. Being the good girl Maura is, she poured herself a glass of wine, took a larger slice than she normally would because she missed lunch, lit a candle, and ate. After eating Maura fed Bass and Jo before heading upstairs for a quick shower.

When she was done with her shower and dressed in one of nightgowns and opened the next note.

**Maura,**

**This note is hard to write. After the last incident with Hoyt, I've been having a lot of issues. **Yes, I have noticed that.** I've been really depressed, having nightmares, not eating, but I'm sure you've noticed. I've also been... Jeez this is hard. I mean what kind of 35 year old does stupid shit like this? Maura, I've been suicidal. **What?!** I don't know if you've noticed the long sleeve shirts or the limp when I walk. I've learned a lot from you and at first I started with the artery in my leg. I can never bring myself to cut deep enough. I'm so sorry, Maur.**

**As you're reading this, I'm at home trying one more time and hopefully, I do it right this time. **This isn't real. It can't be.** I just can't handle this anymore. There's notes for Korsak, Frost, Frankie, Tommy, Ma, and even Pop at my apartment.**

**I'm sorry I failed you, Maur. Take care of Jo Friday for me?**

**Goodbye, **  
**Jane**

Maura's eyes filled with tears. She grabbed her keys and ran out the door. She forgot her shoes and even her phone, she needed to get to Jane.

Speeding down her street, she regretted not going back for phone, she needed to call for help. It would have to wait until she got to Jane's apartment.

Maura's vision was clouded by tears but she somehow made it to the apartment without incident or accident. Running up the front stairs and up to Jane's door, she fumbled with the keys in the lock but finally got the door open.

"Jane?!" Maura yelled while searching the living room, kitchen, and bedroom with no sight of Jane.

Then she faintly heard the sound of the shower.

"Jane?!" Maura pushed the bathroom door wide open.

There, laying at the bottom of the shower was a naked Jane Rizzoli. The water falling from the shower had run cold and was creating a river of red from open wounds on Jane's arms and inner thighs as well as what looked like a gun shot wound to the chest.

Maura was frantic, she picked through the pile of Jane's discarded clothes to find her cell phone. Maura first dialed 911 before dialing Angela.

"Hey, Janie, how are you feelin'?" Angela asked without saying hello.

"An-angela?" Maura managed to get out.

"Maura, honey? What's wrong? Where's Janie?" Angela grew worried.

"Bleeding. Gun shot. Home. Called 911." Was all Maura could get out between sobs.

Angela got the hint. She tried to remain calm, telling Maura she was on her way.

Angela pulled up just as the ambulance did. She ran up the stairs and found Maura in hysterics while the paramedics worked on getting Jane breathing.

"Maura, what happened?" Angela asked as calmly as she could.

Maura composed herself as best she could, "She called out of work, said she was sick. She went to my house, cooked dinner, left Jo, and came home."

Maura was slowly gaining strength to speak more clearly. "She left two dozen roses and a note telling me to eat dinner and then read the second note. I did just that. The second note said she was suffering from depression and in a roundabout way, self harming."

Maura looked at Jane's lifeless body and finally noticed the scars. At least 5 on her left wrist and 6 more on both thighs, not counting the 4 fresh ones, one on each thigh and wrist. She then let her eyes travel to the gun shot wound in her chest, right over her heart. Even in trying to kill herself, Jane thought of others. Knowing Jane, she chose to shoot herself in the chest so her mother could still have an open casket. Had Jane chosen to "eat her gun" as she would have called it, it would have resulted in massive, beyond repair trauma to her head.

Maura and Angela held their breath as the paramedics tried frantically to get Jane breathing. After what seemed like hours, a gasp came from the raven haired detective. Maura and Angela finally let out a breath.

"She missed her heart," Maura whispered. "Thank goodness."


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: Sorry for another short chapter, I have a lot going on at home with Christmas in a week and a half and baby mama drama all on top of being sick, I haven't had the chance to write much. Forgive me?

* * *

"Ugh. Where the fuck am I?"

"Watch your language." Maura whispered. "And be quiet, Angela just fell asleep."

"I'm... I'm alive? H-how?"

"I drove 55 miles per hour through residential areas, that's how." Just thinking of that night Maura started to cry.

"My throat hurts."

"They just extibated you this morning. You started breathing over the machine around 3 AM."

Jane looked around the room, "What time is it? Hell, what day is it?"

Maura checked her watch, "It's 5:13 AM. It's Wednesday. You've been in a coma for two weeks. You scared us all, Jane."

Jane hung her head low. She knew how scared everyone must have been. She was pretty damn scared when she shot herself.

"Wait, I shot myself in the heart. How the hell am I still alive?" Jane sounded angry.

"You're angry that you're alive?"

"Kinda." Jane couldn't lie to Maura, "I just wanted all this to end. Christ, I can't even kill myself right. What happened?"

"You actually missed your heart by an inch. Just one more inch lower and you would have been laying on my autopsy table two weeks ago." Maura sounded even more angry than Jane.

"Maur, I'm sorry. You just don't understand what it's been like living with these nightmares." Jane voice started to crack, "I'm getting maybe two hours of sleep a night. I wake up with cold sweats and my neck and hands throbbing."

Maura didn't speak. She wanted Jane to speak, tell her what was going on.

"My nightmare, he doesn't die. I try killing him but... He gets the scalpel away. H-he... FUCK! He rapes you, Maura! And he makes me watch. And when he's done..." Jane doesn't want to finish the sentence.

"He slits my throat. He does exactly what he did to all his other female victims. Rapes them and kills them in front of someone they love."

"Yeah." Jane didn't wanna talk about it. "How is everyone?"

"Korsak and Frost are trying to remain focused on work. Frankie, he's worried sick, the whole thing is literally making him sick. No one has found Tommy or Frank yet. Angela..." Maura turned to the sleeping woman, "She hasn't left the hospital once. She eats, sleeps, showers, everything right here at the hospital."

"Well what about you?" Jane asks quietly.

"I found my best friend, naked in the shower bleeding from 4 cuts that all needed 25 stiches each and a gunshot wound that could have killed her. How do you think I am?" Maura didn't even give Jane a chance to answer, "I'm sorry. I'm not angry at you Jane, I'm upset that you couldn't tell me what was going on."

"I know, Maur. I'm so sorry. Please, forgive me?"

Maura only had to take 4 small steps to cross the room and gently hug her best friend. It's times like this that make you truly see just how someone means to you. Unfortunately for Maura and Jane, this was not the first time they've had to deal with something of this magnitude. Even more unfortunate, while hugging Jane, she knew it wouldn't be the last time either. She knew Jane was going to need a lot of help and there was only one way to be sure she was getting it.

"Jane, I want you to move in with me." Maura didn't ask, she stated.

"Maur, no. I'm not invading your space like that. It's your home. You already gave Ma the guest house."

"I don't care, Jane. You need to be surrounded by people you know, love, and trust. Besides, the only time you're at your apartment is to sleep. You pay how much a month to be somewhere 8 hours a day?"

Jane had to admit, Maura had a point and it would be nice to know that Maura was safe. Nice to be able to be just a few feet away after a nightmare and see that Maura was alive and well.

"On one condition. You let me pay rent." Jane didn't like handouts.

"I guess we could work something out." Maura smiled.


	4. Chapter 4

Ok guys, I'm sorry I've been slacking. I don't know if anyone wants to know but, I wrote this because I'm trying to over my self harm problem and well... I relapsed two days ago. Because of the depression and relapse I took a break from writing this, only for the two days. Right now I'm one chapter ahead of myself but there may not be another update until after Christmas but I plan on getting a bit of writing done this weekend because my daughter is going to spend the weekend with family. Writings MUCH easier without a 15 month old yelling at me "Daddy, play!" Lmao.

But... I hope you enjoy. =]

* * *

"Janie?!"

"Morning, Ma." Jane sounded scared. What was her mother going to do or say?

"Jane Clementine Rizzoli, if you ever scare us like that again, I'll make sure they bring you back to life so I can kill you myself! Capiche?"

"Yeah, Ma. I understand. I'm sorry. I love you." Jane stated genuinely.

"Oh honey, I love you too." Angela hugged her daughter harder than she ever had.

"Ma! Ow." Jane winced in pain.

"I should get the doctor." Maura spoke softly. She wanted to give Jane and Angela some privacy.

Back at HQ, Frost's phone alerted him to a text.

**Det. Frost, Jane is awake. Could you please let everyone know?**

Frost smiled, Dr. Isles even spoke correctly in text messages.

**sure thing dr isles. tell jane we say hello.**

"Korsak, Jane's awake." Frost had been nervous, he wasn't sure if his partner was going to pull through this one.

"I told ya, Frost. Janie's a tough girl, she's made it out alive after 3 encounters with Hoyt. You think a few cuts and a gunshot wound's gunna kill her?"

"Yeah but she did this to herself, Korsak. She didn't wanna make it outta this one." Frost sounded somber.

Jane had become so much more than a partner to him. She was a friend, hell, family even. And not just to him, to Korsak and everyone else in the department.

"Hey, think we should take donations and send her a truck load of donuts? If I know Jane Rizzoli, she's gunna gag if we get her flowers." Korsak laughed.

"She would too. Could you imagine the look if we walked in there with a few dozen roses?" Frost cleared his throat and in his best Jane impression said, "Jeez you guys coulda at least bought me food. What am I supposed to do with roses?"

Both men laughed at not only the joke but at Frost's horrible impression of Jane. Just then, Frankie came walking in.

"Please tell me what's so funny? I need the laugh." Frankie sounded lost without his big sister.

"Frost's impression of Jane. Who, by the way, is awake." Korsak said with a smile. "We're gunna bring her a truck load of donuts instead of flowers, wanna chip in?"

"She's awake?! Thank God!" Frankie sounded like he was going to cry.

"Why don't you go see her, Frankie? Bring her some donuts from us." Korsak was still talking about donuts.

"I think you're the one who needs a donut, Korsak." Frost laughed.

"Shut it, Frosty!"

Back at the hospital, Frankie shows up with a dozen donuts, a coffee, and flowers for Jane.

"Janie!"

"Hey, baby brother!" Jane is glad to see Frankie in his uniform, "How's work? And are those donuts for me? I'm starving."

"Yeah, they're for you, from the guys at work. H-how are you?"

"I feel like a slit my wrists, thighs, and got shot in the chest. " Jane laughed but no one else did. "Come on guys, if I can laugh about it, so can you."

"No, we can't, Jane!" Frankie knew he shouldn't be mad but he was. "Maura almost had to do an autopsy on you! Me and Ma almost had to bury you! That's not fucking funny, Jane!"

Frankie ran out of the room with tears in his eyes and Jane sat in bed with tears in her eyes too. Maura and Angela stood shocked.

"Ma, go after him." Jane once again sounded angry but Maura knew she wasn't angry at Frankie, she was angry at herself for making her baby brother cry.

"Jane?" Maura asked sweetly.

"He's right, Maur. It's not funny and I made him cry. I'm an asshole. How could I do this to my family? To you? What's wrong with me?" Jane broke down.

"You're depressed, Jane. After having the same person try to kill you three times, I would say rightfully so. But we can get you help." Maura hugged her best friend while speaking softly. "Frankie, Angela, Korsak, Frost, and myself are all here to help you. We're going to get you the help you need, Jane. I promise."


	5. Chapter 5

Sorry I took so long everyone. I'm really trying to make this story a good one and trying to make it as real as possible. I didn't realize just how much this story would trigger me, I'm not one who gets triggered easily so it's kinda blown my mind.

If there's anything you don't like, don't be afraid to tell me. I take constructive criticism very well and it would be GREATLY appreciated.

Well, I hope you like this chapter.

~Elijah

* * *

After contracting an infection and spending another two weeks in the hospital, Jane was finally released. Today was the day she moved in with Maura, apartment be damned. She only had two more months on the lease anyway and she could pay that off with her sick pay.

"Ready to go home, Detective?" Jane's nurse asked with a smile.

"I guess." She had wanted to make another joke about the suicide attempt but Frankie and Angela where in the room. "Where's Maura?"

"Right here." The hazel-eyed woman came in the room. "I was pulling the car around. Let's go home, Jane."

Something about Maura calling her house home-made Jane smile. It was a genuine smile. The first one Jane had felt cross her face in a long time. She had her family, including Maura, her colleagues, her dog, and her new home. Maybe this wouldn't be so hard.

"Yeah. I'm ready to go home, Maur." She flashed another genuine smile.

After a quick stop at Jane's apartment to pick up clothes and other personal items, the women headed to Maura's. It was a quiet ride, Maura tried making conversation a few times but only got single syllable answers. Jane sat in the passenger seat, looking out the window, watching to world go by.

The leaves were beginning to change color. This was Jane's favorite time of year, right before the madness of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's was this time of quiet change. Leaves changed, weather changed, people changed, it was nice. A cool breeze to end the ridiculous heat that was a Boston summer, warmer than the ridiculous cold that was a Boston winter. This time of year Jane the bad-ass became Jane the giver. Not to say that Jane wasn't always a giver but being of strong Catholic upbringing, this time of year made her more of a giver. This year, Jane had decided she was going to give more than she ever had because God gave her another chance.

As soon as she was well enough to be out and about, Jane was going to use this time off work to really make a difference for someone, anyone. Knowing Maura as well as she did, Jane was sure her hazel-eyed friend would love to help. Quite honestly, Jane couldn't wait to show people the new and improved Jane Clementine Rizzoli.

"Too bad I can't change my middle name, too."

"What?" Maura asked.

"Did I say that out loud?" Maura nodded at her dark-haired friend, "Uh well I decided I want to make a change in my life and I wish I could change my middle name."

"You're strange, Jane. But you are my best friend and I guess I'll have to deal with it as we'll be living together now." Maura smiled. "But maybe you should worry about helping yourself first. We're going to get you a doctor-"

"You're my doctor, Maura." Jane interrupted.

"Jane, I'm a medical examiner, not a psychologist. You need someone who can help mentally. While I'm here for you in any way I can be, you need someone who can help you overcome this." Maura spoke sweetly as to not hurt her best friend's feelings.

"I guess you're right."

"I'm always right, Jane." The shorter woman chuckled.

"Hey, I've been right more than not." Jane tried to hide the disappointment.

The detective felt like she had something to prove. She had let Charles Hoyt get to her and as a result, tried to take her own life. She felt like she had failed. Failed at so many things. She was a homicide detective, she was trained to deal with these kinds of situations. Now all because of one person, she would need therapy, be forced to take time off work, and most importantly, have to gain back trust.

"Maur?" The raven haired woman sounded almost child like.

"Yes?"

"Do you trust me?"

"What kind of question is that?" Maura turned to Jane only for a second before turning her focus back to the road. "Of course I trust you, Jane. You are my best, and quite possibly my only, friend. Why wouldn't I trust you?"

Jane felt tears burning the back of her eyes, "Oh I don't know, Maura. Maybe because I slit four veins and tried to shoot myself in the heart?"

"Why in the world would that lead me to not trust you?"

"Because..." Jane couldn't fight the tears anyone. "Because I don't trust myself. Because I can't promise that I won't try this again."

As Jane finished her sentence, the women pulled up to Maura's house. The honey blonde wasn't sure what to say. It wasn't often that she was rendered speechless but almost every time it happened, Jane was the cause.

This time she was blown away by the detective's honesty. She really did trust the taller woman, trusted her with every fiber of her being, but the thought of Jane openly admitting that she may try to harm herself again seriously worried the doctor.

"Well," Maura took a deep breath, "I respect your honesty, Jane. I still trust you. Even after you saying that, I still trust you. Honestly, all this does is make me want to help you that much more."

"Really?" Jane asked as she wiped tears away.

"Really. This may sound selfish but, I can't imagine my life without you and I'm sure your mother, Frankie, Vince, Barry, and the rest of your colleagues can't either. So this just means we try 10 times harder to make you better." Maura ended her sentence with a squeeze to Jane's knee and a smile.

"Thank you, Maura. I appreciate it."

"Good. Now let's get inside and get something to eat. I'm starved." Maura turned off the ignition and opened the door.

"God, please tell me you have steaks?" Jane jumped out of the car and walked as fast as she could to the door.

"There's my Jane." Maura spoke quietly to herself as she made her way to the door.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey all. I hope you had a great New Year's Eve. I knocked out before the ball even dropped, the life of chasing a 16 month old around is VERY tiring. **

**Anyway, I'm sorry I took so long getting another chapter up, more depression for me as of late so writing this is a little hard. **

**I don't own ANYTHING. Seriously, not even the computer I post this from, it's my mom's. Haha.**

**Anyway, let me know what you thought? I'd GREATLY appreciate it. =]**

* * *

Four days later, Jane had her first therapy appointment. She wasn't happy about it but Dr. Thomas came highly recommended from her colleagues. Plus it helped that Maura knew him personally.

Jane hated waiting rooms almost as much as she hated shrinks. She knew she had to do this though. She knew it would make her better and it would make everyone else happy.

"Detective Rizzoli?" A rough voice pulled Jane from her thoughts.

"Uh, yeah." Jane ran sweaty, scarred palms over rough denim. "That's me."

"Please, follow me into my office."

Dr. Thomas seemed nice enough. He was an older gentleman, probably in his late 50's. Once inside his office Jane felt much more comfortable. His office wasn't like the department shrinks, it felt more like being in a friend's home. Neatly painted light blue walls, diplomas and certificates lined the wall, an overstuffed black suede couch in the middle of the room and a matching chair across from it, a black coffee table between the two.

Behind the chair was a large wooden desk, papers and files piled high on one corner, a laptop on the other. Lining the desk were picture frames, Jane assumed them to be photos of family.

"Please, Detective, take a seat." Dr. Thomas spoke politely.

"Call me Jane, please?" Jane asked while taking a seat on the couch. "You have a very nice office, Dr. Thomas. Very comfortable, homey."

"Thank you, Jane. I try to make people feel as comfortable as possible." Jane could tell she was going to like the doctor. "Shall we get started?"

Once again, Jane ran her palms across her jeans, wiping away the sweat. "Uh, yeah."

"Well I like to start with my new patients by laying down some ground rules. Is that ok?"

Jane nodded, she was so nervous that she didn't trust her own voice.

"Ok. Well first things first, I take my profession very seriously. You can be assured that nothing said inside this office will get out unless I have written consent from you." The doctor flipped through a folder in his hands. "As it stands, I have written permission to discuss your case with an Angela Rizzoli and with Dr. Isles. Correct?"

"Uh-huh. Angela is my Ma and you know Maura. They're about the only people I trust besides my baby brother, Frost, and Korsak." Jane spoke as the doctor wrote. "Well obviously, I trust you too or I wouldn't be here. Right?"

"Exactly. I'm glad you already trust me. Most patients take a while to build that trust."

"Well Maura trusts you so I trust you."

"Can we talk about Dr. Isles?" Dr. Thomas asked.

"Um..." Jane was clearly nervous, "Yeah. Sure. Whaddaya wanna know?"

"How did you meet?"

"Oh jeez." Jane laughed. "Long story short, I was undercover as a hooker and Maura tried handing me a 20 while wearin' gloves cause I didn't have money to pay for a really bad coffee and a stale donut. The rest, so they say, is history."

"Have you two ever gotten into a fight?"

"Physically?"

"A fight of any kind."

"Um, there have been a few stupid things. Mostly just stuff like her obeying the rules while I wanna bend 'em. Lookin' back on it now, it was all pretty fuckin' stupid. I mean, stupid. Sorry for swearin'." Jane looked embarrassed and apologized after hearing Maura in her head.

"Rule number two; Never apologize for anything you say. At least not in this office. Ok?" Jane nodded. "What do you think is the reason for your self harm and suicide attempt?"

"Easy. I'm weak."

"I was told it was due to being stalked by the infamous serial killer, Charles Hoyt."

For long minutes, Jane was completely silent. She was contemplating whether this was a good idea or not. She could just tell this guy to shove it, go home, and sulk in Maura's guest room with a beer and clean her gun.

"I'm weak because of him." Jane decided to stay.

"Why?"

"He made me weak. I thought I could out smart him. I was stupid. I let him get the best of me."

"Tell me about the first encounter with him." Dr. Thomas spoke as he wrote something in his file.

"We were looking for a missing woman. Hoyt had broken into the house, he tied up the wife and husband, raped the wife while the husband watched, and then killed the husband. He stuffed the wife in his trunk and drove to an abandoned house." Jane could see the events replaying in her head.

"I swear he wanted to get caught. Or at least trick me into thinking he did. The cocky bastard called in an 'anonymous' tip on the car and gave us the address. Korsak, my partner at the time was in the forensics lab and I didn't feel like waiting. I got in my unmarked and booked it all the way to the house. It was boarded up and run down. I knew they were there. I noticed a few boards on the ground by the front door and a light on."

Jane stopped a moment, "Take your time."

After a deep breath Jane spoke again, "I opened the door with one hand, drew my gun with the other. I checked the whole house before I thought of the basement I walked down the stairs and there she was."

"Was she alive?" Dr. Thomas asked.

"Yeah. Thank God. She was tied up and had duct tape over her mouth, she was crying hysterically. Before I could even make it to her side, I felt a pain in my head." Jane rubbed the back of her head, "The bastard broke a two by four over my head. Next thing I know, he's jamming a scalpel through my palm. First the right, then the left."

Jane looked down at her hands and swore she saw blood. She blinked quickly and it was gone.

"It was dead silent, I passed out. I woke up to a third scalpel running lightly down my cheek. The first sound I remember hearing is Hoyt unzipping his pants. Next thing I hear is Korsak's voice. 'Hey!' And then I think two gun shots before Vince asked me what he did to me. Then I passed out again."

"At the beginning of the recollection, you call Sergeant Detective Korsak by Korsak. At the end, you call him Vince. Why?"

"Did I?" Dr. Thomas nods. "I guess because when it all went down, before he rescued me, he was just Korsak, my partner. After he rescued me, he was Vince, my savior, my friend."

"Have you ever told him that?"

"No. He still takes it personally that I switched partners. I've never given him the real reason."

"Well, what is the real reason?"

"Because after that, he wasn't my partner anymore. He was so much more than that. He's my family now. He almost killed a man to save me. I don't think even my Pop woulda done that. Hell, Pop probably woulda just walked away and saved his own ass. Not Vince. He's kinda like my angel, ya know?"

Dr. Thomas smiled at Jane, a friendly smile. A smile that conveyed understanding.

"I wouldn't be able to handle losin' my partner if something happened to him. Never mind losing someone who means that much to me."

"I'm going to give you homework." Jane groaned. "Relax, Jane. It's not that bad. All I want you to do is ask Sergeant Detective Korsak out for a drink or whatever you all do after a tough case and tell him what you just told me. It'll be good for you to express your feelings and it'll make him understand what he's needed to for some time now."

Jane was silent a moment before answering, "You're right, Doc. I'll see you next week."


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey all. Sorry I suck at updating. My ex girlfriend started a work program and I'm home alone with our daughter all day and in top of that, I think I'm getting sick. _ **

**But, here's an update. Kinda short. Sorry. =[**

**Feel free to review or PM me and tell me how you feel about the story or just to say hi. I need friends. Haha.**

* * *

"How come you never told me, Jane?" Korsak seemed relieved to finally know the truth.

Jane had done her homework, her and Vince Korsak were at their usual booth at the Dirty Robber. It had taken a lot of courage to tell him the truth.

"Because you had already seen me at my worst. I don't like to show emotion and you know that. But this Dr. Thomas guy is right, you had every right to know and I was beibg selfish by keeping it from you."

"Well since we're being honest..." Vince's voice trailed off.

"Out with it, Korsak."

"Well, uh, I asked your mom out on a date."

"Oh." Jane said quietly. "Well it's about damn time, Old Man!"

"W-what?" Vince chocked in his beer.

"I've seen the way you look at her. And so has Frankie. But are you sure you're ready to be stuck with us Rizzoli's?" Jane laughed.

"I didn't ask her to marry me, Jane. Mrs. Rizzoli is a great lady and I wanna get to know her better."

"Awww if you guys get married, you can be my new Pop." Jane laughed. "I'm not changing my last name."

Jane and Korsak sat for a while longer, had a few more beera before Korsak had decided it was time for Jane to go home.

"Can I get a water first? Don't wanna go home to the good doctor drunk off my ass. I may say something that's best kept to myself right now." Jane hung her head in shame.

"What's up, Rizzoli? Talk to me."

Jane took a deep breath, "I may or may not be in love with Maura."

"Woah. Really?" Korsak was genuinely surprised. "What about Casey?"

"Casey's a great guy but let's face it, he even admitted to Maura that he didn't come home for me. Hell if it hadn't been for that dead vet, I wouldn't have even known the guy was home."

"Yeah, I get you. There's a difference between loving someone and being in love with them."

"Exactly. I love Casey. He's been the only serious guy in my life but maybe that says more about me than it does about the guys." Jane sipped her water. "I mean look at Grant. I thought that could work and then he's off to Quantico. That's fate. Then there's Agent Dean. He was nice but he kept too much from me. 'Need to know basis.' Don't ya think I need to know when the sick bastard that tried to kill me twice already is after me again? I couldn't handle a relationship like that. All those secrets. Same with Casey. He couldn't even tell me he was home! I can't take the bullshit. When I seriously think of my future, the only thing that's always the same is Maura."

"That's pretty deep for being so drunk." Korsak laughed. "But maybe you should tell her. Drunken words are sober thoughts. Right?"

"Yeah but she deserves someone who has their life together. When and if I tell her, it's gunna be when I'm more mentally stable."

"You have another great point." Korsak stood and grabbed his keys. "Let's get you back before Dr. Isles starts to worry."

* * *

"How was your week?" Dr. Thomas asked after greeting Jane.

It had been a long week. With coming clean to Korsak about why she switched partners, finding out him and her mother were dating, and finally admitting her feelings about Maura to someone, she had a feeling that the triple homicide that was committed yesterday would have been easier to deal with.

"Uh... Long. But fairly productive." Jane told the doctor about everything but her feelings for Maura.

"Progress feels great, doesn't it?"

"Yeah." Jane nodded. "I have a question though, Doc. I have pretty strong feelings for someone but I'm not sure what to do about it."

"Well I can tell you that it's great to have someone by your side when going through these kinds of issues. I know you have Dr. Isles but sometimes a romantic partner makes things easier."

"Well see..." Jane took a deep breath, "The person I... Never mind."

"Ok, I won't push. How are you feeling lately."

"I've been ok, I guess. Kinda lonely. Which sounds ridiculous cause I live with Maura. Ma lives in her guest house so she's constantly. When Frankie, Frost, and Korsak aren't at work, they're around." Jane talked quietly, the doctor knew something else was wrong.

"Is that it?" Jane didn't answer. "How are you sleeping?"

"Like fuckin' hell. The nightmares are back."

Jane's words lingered in the air for a moment. The nightmares concerned Dr. Thomas. The nightmares had been the cause of the self harm and suicidal thoughts. He knew of two methods that worked fairly well for past patients.

"I have a few ideas." The doctor walked to a file cabinet to retrieve a folder. "We can either try sending you to a sleep lab and hypontist to see if we can figure out what during the day triggers the nightmares."

"What's the second option?"

"Ask Dr. Isles to share a room with you temporarily. Many people admit to having less nightmares when they are with someone they trust."

"Share a bed with Maura?" Jane swallowed hard.


	8. Chapter 8

**Ok, it's official, I suck. I've been slacking with writing. The only chance I really get to write is when my daughter is napping or goes to bed for the night and 9 times out of 10, I sleep when she does cause I'm exhausted. But no one really wants to hear my rantings of pretty much being a single dad to a ridiculously hyper 16 month old.**

**I don't own jack! Or Jane and Maura either. I hope you like it and if you don't, don't be afraid to tell me why.**

**Also, usual trigger warnings on this one, talk of suicide and self harm.**

**Enjoy. **

* * *

"Well it doesn't have to be a bed, Jane. You can just share a room."

"Yeah, I guess." Jane gulped.

"It's completely up to you, Jane. We can even try sleeping pills. I personally don't like prescribing medication but they do help sometimes. What do you think?"

"No pills. Nope." Jane shook her head. "I don't even like Tylenol. I guess I could talk to Maura."

"If you want, I could call her in to talk here. She's at work, correct?" Jane nodded. "So it would take mere minutes for her to get here. Would that make you more comfortable?"

Jane thought about it for a second. She knew if her and Maura spoke alone, Jane could easily back out. But if they spoke with Dr. Thomas, she would have no choice. It seemed like a good idea if it could help.

"Uh... Yeah. Call her. That sounds ok."

After a brief phone call and a 10 minute drive, Maura arrived at Dr. Thomas' office. To say she was nervous was a grave understatement. She was that there was something Jane wasn't telling her.

Maura took a deep breath, shut off the car's ignition and made the short walk to the office. The secretary had been expecting her and ushered her into Dr. Thomas' private office.

"Dr. Isles, so glad you could join us."

"It's my pleasure, Dr. Thomas. Anything for Jane." Maura smiled at the dark-haired woman as she sat next to her on the couch.

"Well, we have invited you hear because Jane and I had an idea." Dr. Thomas turned to Jane and nodded.

"Well see... I haven't been sleepin' well cause the nightmares are back. And Dr. Thomas suggested a few things. He said we could try a sleep study, hypnotist type deal or..." Jane didn't want to say it. This would make hiding her feelings worse.

"I suggested you two try sharing a room. That way, if Jane had a particularly horrible nightmare, the person she trusts most would be there to help." Dr. Thomas finished Jane's sentence.

"Jane, why didn't you tell me the nightmares were back?" Maura sounded hurt.

"I didn't wanna worry you, Maur. Everyone is pushin' me to get better and I don't want to disappoint anyone. Gettin' better is a lot harder than I thought it was gunna be. I'm sorry I let you down."

"Oh Jane. You didn't let me down." Maura spoke softly as she grabbed her best friend's hand. "You could never let me down."

"If you say so."

Later that night, after a nice meal with Angela, Frankie, and Jane, Maura excused herself to shower as Jane had offered to clean up from dinner.

Hot water cascaded over pale skin as steam filled the bathroom. Maura was alone with her thoughts and they were running as fast as the water from the shower head. She had shared a bed with Jane on at least a dozen other occasions, why should this be any different?

"Because I'm falling for her." Maura spoke to herself.

She couldn't figure out why these feelings had suddenly come rushing forward. Was it because she had almost lost Jane? No, that couldn't be it. They had been in dangerous situations like this before. Maybe it was because this time Jane had attempted to take her own life? It was plausible.

Maura's mind wandered to the night she had found Jane. It had been two short months ago she had seen her best friend unconscious and bleeding in the shower. Tears started to fall down Maura's face. Had she not heard the sob coming from her own throat, she wouldn't have even know she was crying; too wrapped up in the memory of what could have been the last time seeing Jane.

"How could I have been so stupid? How could I not see the signs?" Maura was becoming less sad and more angry. "She's my best friend damn it. I should have noticed! She was withdrawn, always tired, irritable. How could I not see this coming?! If she had died it would have been my fault!"

Maura yelled to the empty bathroom; her voice bouncing off the walls and back at her.

"Maur?" A soft knock came at the door. "Are you ok?"

Maura knew that voice, deep and gravely. Most wouldn't have found that voice soothing but Maura did. The minute she heard it, a smile spread across her previously angry expression.

"Yes, Jane. Just got shampoo in my eyes. I'll be out in a minute."

"Ok." Maura could hear the uncertainty in Jane's voice.

"I need to be strong. For Jane." Maura spoke quietly while washing the shampoo out of her hair.

Jane walked back to the guest room. She knew what she had heard; Maura blamed herself for Jane attempting suicide. This was not good. Jane felt a familiar sting in her skin and twitch in her hands. If Maura wasn't disappointed before, she sure as hell was going to be now, Jane was sure of it.


	9. Chapter 9

**TRIGGER! Self harm clearly talked about in this chapter!**

**I hope you guys like this chapter. It was really hard for me to write as I'm having a lot of issues with my depression at the moment. So please, tell me how you like the story and chapter, even if you don't like it, feel free to tell me why.**

**~Elijah**

* * *

As Jane sat in what was deemed her bed by Maura, she felt the cool metal in her hot hands. The heat beginning to transfer to the thin piece of metal. She sat, quietly crying and contemplating. She didn't want to die at this moment, just feel the pain she was causing Maura.

"Just a little. Not deep enough to need stitches." Jane spoke quietly incase Maura was outside the door.

Standing slowly, Jane walked to the dresser where she kept was she called her kit; a small, clear plastic bag with a zipper top. Inside the bag were two wash cloths, one covered in reddish-brown stains, dry blood, the other pristine and soft, a few large band aids, a box of brand new razors, and alcohol wipes.

"Just once." Jane whispered to herself.

Jane sat on the floor next to the dresser. She took a deep breath and exhaled as she slowly and deliberately dragged the razor across her thigh.

Blood quickly began to accumulate around the cut. Jane, whose eyes had been closed, looked down at the new cut, a single tear fell from her eye and mixed with the blood. Once more she raised the razor to her skin just centimeters below the first cut and pulled it across her skin once, twice, three times more.

She had decided the four new lines drawn on her skin were enough for now, she didn't want Maura to worry that Jane had been locked away in her room for too long. Taking a single alcohol wipe, Jane softly began to clean the wounds. It stung but she didn't want to risk infection. When the once white wipe was now pink, Jane decided she had cleaned them enough and placed a large band aid atop the cuts before standing and slowly pulling sweatpants over her legs.

"Jesus Christ! I really am a failure." Jane angrily wiped the tears from her eyes before wiping the blade clean and shoving her kit back into the bottom draw under her clothes.

A soft knock came at the door, "Jane? Can I come in?"

"Sure." Jane answered.

Maura slowly stepped into the room taking in her surroundings. Sure it was her house but after just a month of living with her, Jane had made the room her own. There was gun cleaning equipment on top of the dresser, clothes all over the floor, bed not made, Maura couldn't help but smile, this was definitely Jane's room.

"What are you smilin' about?" Jane asked with a chuckle.

"Just laughing because it's easy to tell it's you who lives here."

"I'm sorry. I'll clean it tomorrow. Promise." Jane said with a small smile.

Maura shook her head, "No, Jane, this is your room. You do with it as you please. Are you ready for bed or do you want to watch a movie?"

"Uh... Movie sounds good. Race ya to the living room. Winner picks the movie." Almost before Jane finished the sentence, Maura took off down the stairs. "Cheater!"

Maura was the clear victor of the race as it had been almost a full minute before Jane made it to the living room. Without a word, Jane walked to the kitchen, popped some popcorn, poured a glass of wine for Maura and got a beer for herself.

Two hours, three beers, a glass and a half of wine, and two bags of popcorn later, the movie was over. Not that Jane had noticed, she had fallen asleep about 45 minutes earlier. Maura debated waking the detective because she looked so peaceful, however, Maura knew laying in bed would be much more comfortable than sleeping on the couch.

"Jane?" Maura whispered as she placed a hand on Jane's thigh and gave it a squeeze.

"Fuck!" Jane shot up and pulled her leg away, trying to hold back tears.

"What's wrong?" Maura put her hand on Jane's thigh again before the taller woman had time to flinch away.

"Fuck. Fuck. FUCK!" Jane chanted.

Suddenly, like a ton of bricks, reality hit Maura. She slowly reached for Jane's hand to comfort her. Should she ask to see Jane's leg? What if Jane thought this meant Maura didn't trust her? She just wanted to be sure her best friend was ok.

"Can..." Maura's voice trailed off, unsure if she had the right to ask. "Can I see?"

Jane's eyes shot open. She tried so hard to stay awake. She wanted the chance to clean herself up one more time before bed. Should she tell Maura?

"See what?" The pain was evident in Jane's voice.

"Please, Jane. Don't patronize me. I know why my squeezing your leg hurt so much." Maura tried her best to sound calm. "I'm a doctor, I can help."

Jane looked skeptical.

"What if it needs stitches? I can clean it properly too." Maura was finding it harder and harder to stay calm and rational. "Please, Jane? Trust me?"

That was all it took. Of course Jane trusted Maura. She took a deep breath and stood from the couch, hands on the waistband of her sweatpants.

"It's ok, Jane. I'm not mad or disappointed in any way. I want to help you." Maura spoke softly as she placed her warm hands over Jane's.

Jane moved her hands from under Maura's and nodded her head, a silent sign of consent. Maura slowly and carefully pulled down the sweatpants, not wanting to hurt Jane any further.

As the sweatpants grazed past Jane's hips both women had to fight to keep their breathing steady.

**This isn't for pleasure. I'm a doctor right now, not a friend or lover.** Maura thought to herself.

**Deep breathes, Rizzoli. She just thinks it's the pain.**

Once the sweatpants were at Jane's knee, Maura finally looked. There, among other scars, was a band aid soaked in blood. Maura let out a strangled gasp that broke Jane's heart. Now Jane started crying.

"Jane, the blood has soaked through the band aid. How bad is it?" Maura looked up into Jane's eyes.

"Not too bad. At least I don't think so." Jane felt the tears streaming down her face.

"Sit." Maura spoke as if Jane was a defiant child.

"Maur. Just forget it."

"No, Jane, I will not forget it. I'm not mad. I need to make sure you don't need stitches."

Jane did as Maura told her. As she flopped down on the couch, Maura lovingly rubbed Jane's thigh before gently pulling off the band aid. Another gasp as she saw the four new cuts. All of them were at least 2 inches in length and almost a half an inch deep.

"Jane, these need to be cleaned and closed."

"No! No stitches. If we go to the hospital they'll fucking commit me. No." Jane shook her head.

"I can close them for you. I am a doctor, Jane."

"I..." Jane's voice trailed off.

"You what?"

"I don't wanna close 'em." Maura looked confused. "I know it sounds stupid but... This is the one thing I've been able to control, Maur. You know I hate giving control to someone else. Well this is me takin' back control. I know it isn't a good way to do it but... I wanna leave them open. I'll let you clean them a many times as you want but, please? Just leave them open."

Maura knew it was against her better judgement but she agreed. If she could keep the wounds clean the right way, they shouldn't get infected.

"Fine. But they are to be cleaned at least twice a day. More if you are overly active and sweating. Understood?"

"Yes. Thank you."

"Let's go clean them and head to bed. I'm exhausted and I'm sure you are too."

With that both women made their way up to Maura's master bedroom. Jane had a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach but she couldn't quite put her finger on what it could be. Little did Jane know, Maura was feeling the same thing.

"Boy is this gunna be a long night." Jane whispered to herself.


	10. Chapter 10

**Hey all. Sorry I suck at updating. I'm not giving excuses anymore, I just suck. But I want to say thank you for the reviews and messages. I read all of the reviews and answer all my messages although it takes me a little while sometimes. I hope you're all still enjoying my depressing story.**

**And as always, if you have any questions, comments, anything, feel free to leave a review or message me. I don't bite. I also don't own Rizzoli and Isles or any of the cast/actors. I'm not even sure I own this idea cause it isn't copy written. **

**Anyway, without further ado, chapter 10.**

* * *

The sun peeked in through Maura's bedroom curtains as Jane stretched the sleepiness out of her body. Last night had been rough, a pretty bad nightmare about Hoyt hurting Maura had plagued Jane most of the night. Jane does remember Maura trying to wake her. She's fairly certain that Maura's voice calling to her was the only thing to pull Jane from the nightmare. Either that or Maura's cool hands on her hot body. Whichever the case, Jane was glad for Maura's presence.

After one more quick stretch, Jane carefully slipped out of Maura's grasp and padded off to the bathroom. After washing her face and brushing her teeth, Jane made her way to the kitchen.

"Should I make her breakfast? What if she doesn't wake up for a few more hours?" Jane looked through Maura's cupboards as she spoke to herself. "8 in the morning. Ma should be up, I'll go see her."

Jane didn't bother with a jacket or shoes as she made the short walk to the guest house, she would regret it later, running shorts and a t-shirt didn't do much on this chilly morning.

"Ma. You up?" Jane called out as she opened the door to the guest house.

"Yeah. Just a second, Janie." Angela's voice came from the bedroom.

"Ow. Shit." Jane heard a hushed voice come from the bedroom.

"Korsak?"

As Jane said his name, Angela came down the hall with a shocked look.

"What? Vince isn't here. Why would you think that?"

Jane ignored her mother, "Korsak, you got til the count of three to get out here before I start shootin' up Maura's guest house. Don't make me get on her bad side for nothing."

Jane heard shuffling, "One. Two."

"Ok, don't shoot." Korsak came down the hall with his hands up.

"What's goin' on here?" Jane looked from Korsak to Angela and back again.

"I-I spent the night after our date." Korsak spoke with his head down.

"Vince!" Angela yelled, "I didn't even tell Jane you asked me on a date. We could have told her you were fixin' somethin' for me."

"What's he fixin' in his boxer shorts, Ma?" Jane asked with a laugh. "First Cavanaugh now Korsak. Two men I did NOT need to see in their boxers."

"I told her I asked you on a date last week." Korsak confessed. "We were drunk and she was talkin' about Ma-"

Korsak was cut off by a kick to the shin.

"Jane Clementine Rizzoli, what was that for?"

"Uh... Muscle spasm? Sorry, Korsak."

Korsak nodded his acceptance while he rubbed his shin.

"Well I guess I'll go..." Jane's voice trailed off as she turned out the door.

"Jane, wait. What's wrong?" Angela seemed concerned for her oldest child.

"Nothing, Ma. I just came over for breakfast cause Maura's still sleeping." Jane spoke with her head down.

"That's a lie, Jane." Angela moved to put an arm around her daughter, "Come sit down and tell me what's on your mind."

Angela shot a look to Korsak, "I'll go get dressed and get outta the way."

"Vince, no. Stay?" Both Angela and Korsak were a little surprised to not only hear Jane use his first name but also to ask him to stay. "I mean put some damn pants on. Then stay."

The three shared a quiet laugh as Korsak made his way to the bedroom. By the time he had come back, Jane was curled up in her mother's arms. She looked tired but Korsak could see tears slowly falling down Jane's face. His heart broke. Jane was the best partner he ever had, hell, probably even the best detective on the force. He had always felt partly responsible for what happened that night but he tried not to beat himself up over it. How could he have known Jane wouldn't come find him when they got a lead?

Pulling himself from his thoughts, Korsak made his way to the couch and sat down next to Jane. He rubbed her back lightly to calm her but not freak her out. He caught Angela's eye and could see how worried she was.

"So what's up, Janie?" Korsak knew Jane hated the nickname but he hoped it would break the tension.

"If you weren't dating my Ma, old man, I'd deck you right now." Jane said with a smile.

"Jane!"

"It's ok, Angela, she's said worse." Korsak laughed and shook his head. "But really, Rizzoli, what's wrong?"

Jane took a deep breath, "The nightmares are back."

"Oh Jane." Angela sounded like she was going to cry.

"I haven't been sleepin' too great because of 'em so Dr. Thomas suggests me and Maura share a room. He said that it's good to have someone there for you if you need them. Especially in the same room cause apparently he can tell how stubborn I am and knows damn well I wouldn't walk to Maura's room to wake her up every time I have a nightmare."

"Share a room with Doc? You ok with that Jane?" Korsak asked a little worried. He knew Jane had feelings for the other woman and didn't want to see Jane uncomfortable.

"Ma," Jane turned to look at Korsak who only nodded.

"What is it, Jane? You know you can tell me anything."

"I... I'm... Fuck!" Jane stood and began to pace. "Ma. I'm gay."

"What?" Angela blinked, "I must be dreaming. Vince, pinch me. I'm dreaming."

"You're not dreamin', Angie." Korsak shook his head.

"Ma?"

Angela shook her head, "I meed some time alone."

"Seriously? I'm your kid and I just told you something that I've been strugglin' with since high school and you need time?" Jane shook her head in disbelief.

"What about all those boys in high school? And the ones recently?"

"Nothing says 'I love you' or 'I'll accept you no matter what' like practically callin' me a whore. Thanks, Ma. I'll see you later, Vince." Jane left the guest house in tears.


	11. Chapter 11

**Hey all, this chapter I guess would be considered "light". It is nowhere near as dark as the other chapters. I hope you like it, I figured I should take a break from the norm. **

**Please let me know how you feel either through reviews or private messages. **

**~Elijah**

* * *

Once back in the main house, Jane fully broke down. Angela had always been so accepting of everyone else, so why couldn't she feel the same way for her own daughter?

After about 10 minutes, Jane had pulled herself together. She didn't want to spend the day miserable.

Judging by the silence in the house, Maura was still asleep. Jane had contemplated going for a run but thought it might aggravate her cuts. Instead she decided to make her best friend breakfast in bed; It was the least Jane could do.

Walking around the kitchen gathering the ingredients she needed, Jane smiled to herself, this was something she could get used to. The smile was quickly washed when she remembered she and Maura were just friends. Not to mention that Maura was about as gay as Sister Winifred.

Jane was so into her cooking that she didn't hear the footsteps coming behind her. Maura had woken to the smell of coffee being brewed. She got nervous when she realized Jane was no longer by her side but that feeling faded away as she realized someone had to be brewing that coffee, she smiled.

Upon entering the kitchen, the raven-haired detective's back was to the ME and the smile widened, Jane wasn't just making coffee, she was making a full breakfast.

"It smells delicious in here." Maura spoke softly.

"Jesus Christ, you scared the shit outta me, Maur." Jane whipped around to face the shorter woman. "I coulda shot you."

"I don't see your weapon, Detective."

"I'm hiding it, Doctor."

Maura looked Jane up and down, eyes lingering on the tight abdominal muscles under Jane's too tight shirt, "Under that?"

"Uh..." Jane looked down forgetting what she was wearing. "Fine, you caught me. I was making you breakfast in bed but you ruined it. You aren't in bed anymore."

"Aw, I'm sorry. Would you like me to go back to bed?" Maura asked. No one had ever made her breakfast in bed before.

"No, it's ok. We can eat breakfast in here." Jane smiled as Maura eagerly sat at the island in the kitchen.

-

"How could she just spring that on me like that?" Angela paced her living room.

"Angie, honey, she had something she had to get off her chest. Are you really gunna let her run outta here in tears?"

"She could have braced me for it, at the very least."

"Angela, I know it's hard but imagine how she feels. She just told you something she has been scared to tell you for over 10 years. You're the most acceptin' person I know and you can't accept this?"

"It's not that I can't accept it, Vince. I don't care that she's gay. I mean I want grandchildren but my big problem is that she didn't tell me."

"Well then tell her that. Cause I'd be willin' to bet every last dollar I have that she thinks you don't accept her." Korsak nodded his head toward the door. "Go, I'll wait here."

Angela pulled on a sweater and her slippers and left the guest house. She had made a mistake that needed to be corrected. How could she have treated her only daughter that way?

"Jane?" Angela spoke quietly as she entered the house.

Jane and Maura were in the living room by now, watching a movie, laughing and joking. Angela stood there, eyes glued ti Maura and her daughter. She saw it finally, she saw that not only was her daughter a lesbian but she was in love with Dr. Isles. A smile spread across her face.

"Jane." Angela called out as if she had just walked in.

"Living room." Jane's voice had gone from fun and playful to irritated and angry in just seconds. "What do you want, Ma?"

"Don't speak to me like that, Jane. I know you're upset."

"What gave it away?" Jane spat.

"Should I give you two some privacy?" Maura asked quietly.

"Yes." Jane answered.

"No, Maura. This is your home."

"Well she doesn't need to hear this, Ma."

Angela, unaware that Maura didn't know what was going on, continued speaking, "Why couldn't you just tell me about you and Maura, Jane?"

"Excuse me?" Maura was extremely confused.

Jane hung her head, "There is no me and Maura, Ma."

"But you said-"

"I said I was gay, I didn't say me and Maura were together! You didn't even give me a chance to talk before you flew off the handle. I didn't even get the fuckin' chance to tell her myself because you jump to fuckin' conclusions! Jesus Christ, Ma!" Jane stormed off to the guest room.

"Jane's a lesbian?"Maura asked. "Well I know quite a few men who won't be all too happy to hear that."

Angela was confused; she saw Jane and Maura laughing and being playful. Angela remembered Frank an herself being that way at the beginning of their relationship, Jane was right, she had jumped to conclusions.

"Maura, I'm so sorry, I have to go." Angela walked through the kitchen and out the back door.

"Jane? For once, I'm confused." Maura yelled up the stairs.


	12. Chapter 12

**I suck. I really do. But it's not my fault, at least not entirely. I broke the screen on my iPhone a few weeks ago and ordered a new one. BUT they sent me the wrong one. So I had to order another one. Then it was 3 days late getting to me. I got it about 3 days ago and then my daughter got sick and she had doctor's appointments and my life has just been ridiculous the last few weeks. So I'm sorry and I hope this chapter makes up for it.**

**Also, italics is a flashback thing.**

**I hope you enjoy.**

**~Elijah**

* * *

Maura quietly made her way up the stairs, wheels turning inside her head the whole time. Jane is a lesbian, what's the big deal?

"Oh!" Maura spoke softly, "Angela thinks Jane and I are together."

The walk from the living room to the guest room upstairs seemed longer than usual. Probably because Maura was walking slower than usual. Anyhow, once she finally arrived at the door she heard Jane talking to herself.

"Why? Why the hell does she always jumps to conclusions? Just once I'd love for her to hear everything out before runnin' her mouth." Maura heard the soft thud of a dresser drawer being closed.

"Now Maura knows I'm gay. And she probably figured out I'm in love with her. She's a fuckin' genius for Christ sake. If my mother can see through my attempts to cover my feelings then Maura probably can too. SON OF A BITCH!"

"Jane?" Maura grew concerned when Jane yelled.

"Uh... Hang on." Jane started to panic she needed to a diversion, something that would explain why she didn't just let Maura walk in. "I'm uh, changin'."

Maura grew suspicious, Jane had no problem changing in front of her before, "Jane, I'm coming in."

"Wait!" Jane yelled but it was too late.

Maura pushed the door open to see fresh blood running down Jane's thigh. Maura knew this moment was bitter-sweet; yes there was fresh blood but no fresh cuts.

"Your wounds. They were healing and you cut them open again?" Maura frowned.

"I'm such a fuck up."

Maura shook her head, "No you are not. You are human, Jane. But I have to go back on my word. I went against my better judgment before and now I'm going to right a wrong. Go down stairs and sit on the kitchen counter. I'll be down in just a minute."

Jane hung her head as she walked out of the room. No matter what anyone said, Jane felt like a failure. She couldn't even go two days with hurting herself or someone else. Maura was mad.

Maura made her way to the master bedroom as Jane walked down the stairs. Once in her room, tears fell from her eyes. She wished there was some way to make Jane stop, but how? The detective was already in therapy, it seemed to be helping but now Maura wasn't sure. The doctor grabbed her medical bag and made her way downstairs as well.

"Jane?" Maura called out.

"Kitchen."

Maura rounded the corner into the kitchen. Jane was sitting on the island counter, head hung low, kicking her feet like a small child. Maura felt a lump in her throat. For once in her life, she didn't know what to do, how to help.

"Why couldn't you just tell me, Jane?" Maura asked as she came to stand in front of the counter.

"Tell you what?" Jane asked with a worried look.

Maura decided against bring up the detective's feelings, "That you were a lesbian?"

"I don't know, Maur. I didn't even tell my mom til this morning."

Maura nodded her head as she got to cleaning her best friend's wounds. Jane was looking anywhere but Maura.

"This may sting a bit." Maura said quietly before pouring the liquid on Jane's thigh.

"What the fuck is that?!" Jane asked with a hiss of pain.

"Betadine. Sorry." Maura answered without looking up.

Jane didn't say anything. She just sat there staring at Maura. That full head of beautiful honey blonde hair. Those piercing hazel green eyes. The perfect smile. Perfectly yoga toned body. Soft yet strong hands. Not to mention that brain. That was probably what turned Jane on most. Maura was a genius but she wasn't a stuck up one. She didn't talk down to those less intelligent than herself, at least not on purpose. Then there was the fact that, as smart as Maura was, Jane could always teach her something new

_"Ok, now you gotta space your fingers out; one in between every other lace." Jane spoke as she grabbed the football and showed Maura how to hold it. "You gotta hold it right or you won't get a tight spiral when you throw it."_

_Maura smiled and nodded her head, "Ok. Let me try?"_

_Jane handed over the football and sprinted away. The two women had the day off and Maura requested that Jane teach her something. Jane had no idea what to teach her best friend, she wasn't even sure she could teach Maura anything. Maura was eager to learn though, so she suggested football. Football was one of Jane's favorite sports and Maura already knew how to play baseball._

_"Alright, Maur, throw it here!" Jane yelled from a few yards away._

_Maura cocked her arm back and then forward as she let the ball fly from her fingers. The ball only went about 15 feet, Jane giggled while Maura frowned._

_"Ok," Jane made a quick sprint back to the doctor. "You know angles and junk, right?"_

_"Of course."_

_"Ok. Well you gotta use that. Don't let go of the ball when it's pointin' at the ground. Let go of it while your arm is high enough so the ball gets some distance before it drops."_

_Jane dropped back and threw the ball. It flew through the air, spiral so tight it looked as if there was no spiral at all. The ball hung in the air for a few seconds before hitting the soft grass with a small thud about 15 yards away._

_"Wow. You're really good with balls, Jane." Maura spoke and Jane choked on air. "I mean sports balls."_**

Jane starts to laugh uncontrollably because of the memory.

"Jane! Stop moving!" Maura says as she finishes the last few stitches. "Now what on Earth was so funny?"

"I was thinking about that time I taught you how to throw a football." Jane lets out another laugh.

"Oh my." Maura starts to giggle along with Jane. "I still feel bad about hitting you in the face."

"At least you didn't break my nose." Jane laughed. "I'm sorry, Maur."

Maura cocked her head in confusion, "For what, Jane?"

"For not tellin' my best friend my biggest secret."

"It's a secret for a reason, Jane. It's fine." Maura spoke with a reassuring smile.

"Well then I'm sorry for this."

"For wh-" Maura's sentence was cut short when the detective's lips pressed against her own.


	13. Chapter 13

**This one is a little on the short side, but then again, most of my chapters have been. I have an issue with not knowing where to end and it usually means I end to early. Sorry about that. But I wanted to get this chapter up, I feel bad for making the few of you who wanted to know what happens next, wait. I hope this doesn't disappoint. **

**Feel free to message me or review. =]**

**~Elijah**

* * *

The kiss was short but Jane put all her feelings in it. A short kiss, less than 3 seconds, but Maura felt it all. She felt Jane's love, desperation, want, need, all of it.

"Shit. I'm really sorry." Jane tried to walk away but Maura pulled her back.

"Jane." Was all Maura said before pulling her best friend in for another kiss.

Jane was taken by surprise at first. She could have sworn she was dreaming but she then felt soft hands running up her toned stomach.

Maura wasn't sure what came over her but when she felt Jane's lips against her own, a fire ignited in the pit of her stomach. It seemed that the feelings Jane had, had been poured into Maura with the first kiss.

"Angela could walk in." Maura pulled back from the kiss to explain.

"Uh. Yeah. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

Maura was debating whether to leave it at a kiss, or attempt to take it further. Her decision was made when she realized Jane's once soft, chocolate-brown eyes were now black with want.

"Let's go upstairs." The tone of her voice deep and sensual.

Without another word, Maura grabbed Jane's hand and led her up the stairs to the master bedroom. Jane's mind was reeling. It was another one of those moments that she wasn't sure was actually happening. Was prim and proper Maura Isles suggesting that they have sex?

The journey to the master bedroom was a quick one. Jane wasn't sure whether she should be thankful or mad. She needed more time to think about this. Yes, she was in love with the doctor but she didn't want to end up being another Ian. Or Dennis. Or any of those other guys. Jane wanted to be the one that lasted. The one that Maura settled down with. The one that Maura truly loved.

"Maur. Wait." Jane didn't even recognize the sound of her own voice. "We can't do this. I can't do this."

"What's wrong, Jane?" Maura asked. "Isn't this what you want? Aren't I what you want?"

"Yes. I mean, no. I mean..." Jane rubbed her forehead in frustration. "Yes. Yes, I want this. Yes, I want you. But, no, I don't want it to happen like this. I want this to be real."

"Well I can assure you this is all real, Jane."

"I know it's **real**. But I want us to be... Us. Ya know? Like I don't want it to fuck up our friendship. But at the same time, I don't wanna be friends anymore." Jane saw Maura's face fall. "I wanna be more than friends. I wanna take you out on dates. I wanna open the car door for you. I wanna see if you pass the test."

"There's going to be a test?" Maura raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"It's from a movie. A Bronx Tale. This guy Sonny says you only get 3 great women in your life time and you gotta make sure she's a keeper because if she's not one of the great ones, why bother? I mean I know you're one of the great ones, I'm kinda hoping you're **the** great one but I gotta give you the test. It's stupid, I know but I believe it, even if it is just a movie. But I'm not gunna give you the Mario test. That kid really was a psycho."

Jane's rambling was cut off by a soft kiss, "I understand, Jane. Why don't we just forget this bedroom thing even happened for now and go shopping?"

"Ok. I think I can handle shopping." Jane smiled because she knew right then and there, Maura was the greatest of the great. "I'm still giving you that test though."

"Ok. Well whatever it is, I hope I pass."

"I know you will."

With one last kiss, the two women got dressed and ready for the day. Jane was determined to show Maura all of her feelings. She was pretty sure Maura already knew just how far the feelings went but Jane didn't want to chance it. She wanted to make a life, and possibly a family, with Maura.

~*~*~

"Can we please get something to eat after this store?" Jane whined like a child.

"You ate a very large breakfast only an hour before we left, Jane."

"Yeah but we've been out for like 18 hours."

Maura rolled her eyes, "We've been out for less than 4 hours."

"That's close to 18. Pleaseeeeee?" Jane drew the word out. "I'll even order something green."

"Fine but it has to be more than one piece of lettuce on a burger."

"Fine. I'll ask for two pieces." Jane mumbled.

"I heard that!"


	14. Chapter 14

**So, have I mentioned how much I suck? Sorry. _ **

**Anyway, here's an update.**

**Also, big ups to the police, swat, firefighters, emts, and all those guys and girls in Mass for finding and catching the bastards that set off bombs at the marathon. My prayers go out to the families of the 4 people who died at the hands of these two and the dozens more who were injured. But I guess everyone learned, you don't fuck with Boston!**

* * *

"So, how have you been?"

Jane sat on the familiar black couch in Dr. Thomas's office and pondered the question.

How has she been? Maura had finally found out how Jane felt. Everyone of importance had been told Jane was a lesbian. She'd been living with Maura for over a month now. Christmas was just a few weeks away. She hadn't had a nightmare in over a week. There were no new cuts on her body and the old ones had completely healed. How has she been?

"Really good actually." Jane answered with a genuine smile.

"Ah. That's great to hear, Jane." Dr. Thomas spoke with enthusiasm. "How are things at Dr. Isles' house?"

"Pretty good. I'm goin' nuts sittin' home all the time though. I can't fuckin' wait to go back to work."

Dr. Thomas took a few notes then looked Jane in the eye, "Do you think you're ready for that? Honestly."

Once again, Jane pondered the question. She was a homicide detective, one of the best Boston had ever seen. She saw a lot in her career, children beaten and left for dead, innocent people gunned down for gang initiation, dead junkies, dead hookers, and the occasional rich guy killed by his wife or a hooker. She saw people get away with murder because of a technicality, innocent men and women convicted because someone didn't do their job correctly. Despite all of this, she missed her job. It wasn't even a job to her, it was a career, it was part of her. Helping the victims and punishing the perps.

"I really think I am. I mean i was able to handle the job before and after Hoyt. It was myself that I couldn't handle after him. My job and life have always been seperate, despite Charles Hoyt."

"Ok. Well how about I tell your lieutenant to put you back on-"

"For real, Doc?!" Jane cut the doctor off with her excitement.

"On light duty, Jane." Dr. Thomas continued. "Desk duty for a little while. Maybe some interrogations. No field work yet. Can you handle that?"

Jane nodded excitedly, "Desk duty is better than couch duty."

The doctor laughed and made a note to get in touch with Lieutenant Cavanaugh as soon as possible.

"Anything else you want to talk about?"

"Actually, yeah. Do you think it's too early to be in a relationship?" Jane needed someone's opinion other than her younger brother.

"I don't think it's ever to early for love. Lust? Yes, it's to early for that. Lust causes heartache and that is something you don't need now."

"But love's ok? I'm pretty sure this is love, Doc."

"Love is always ok, Jane."

Jane smiled. This was the push she needed. She needed to convince herself that she was good enough for Maura and who would know better than Dr. Thomas?

"Thanks, Doc. Same time next week?"

"Always. Have a good week, Jane."

~*~*~

"Welcome back, Rizzoli!" was the first thing Jane heard when she walked into Homicide. Everyone was there, even Crowe had sounded sincere in his well wishes.

"Thanks fellas." Jane spoke quietly. She wasn't one for surprises but it felt nice knowing everyone was glad to see her back.

Before Jane could even make it to her desk she was pulled into Cavanaugh's office, "Damn it's good to see your face, Rizzoli."

"Thank you, Sir. It actually feels pretty good to be seen."

"Doc Isles says you're doin' real good?"

"Yes sir." Jane answered with a smile.

"I also hear there may be a little inter-office extra curricular activities goin' on?" Jane opened her mouth to defend herself but was interrupted. "It's about fuckin' time, Rizzoli!"

"Thank you. I think. Me and Maura aren't together though, Sir."

"Sure, Rizzoli." Cavanaugh threw an arm over Jane's shoulder, "Now get to work."

"Gee. It's like I never even left." Jane chuckled as she left Cavanaugh's office and headed for her desk where months of backed up paperwork waited.


	15. Chapter 15

"Damn, it's good to be home." Jane spoke as she walked through the front door.

"Rough day?"

"I don't think I've done that much paper work in my life!"

Maura was sitting on the couch with a glass of wine, reading a book. Upon seeing how tense Jane looked, she got up and got Jane a beer from the fridge.

"Well now you're home and get to relax. Sit." Maura handed Jane her beer and ushered her to the couch. "I'm going to order from your favorite chinese restaurant, we'll eat, you can take a nice hot bath, and I'll give you a back rub."

Jane cocked an eyebrow, "Why are you doin' all this?"

"I want to. You had a rough day and you deserve it. Isn't that what one does for a significant other?"

"You're not my significant other though, Maur." Jane answered trying not to sound too harsh.

"I beg to differ. You have said I'm a rather significant part of your life and I am certainly not you which makes me an 'other'. Therefore, I am a significant other." Maura smiled before turning on her heel and searching for takeout menus.

"Damn, I could get used to this." Jane chuckled as she opened her beer and took a gulp.

Ten minutes later, Maura emerged from the kitchen as she hung up the phone. She stood at the doorway between the kitchen and living room for a moment, merely admiring the site of Jane on the couch.

She smiled, "I could get used to this."

"Funny. I just said the same thing." As Jane spoke, she saw a deep red color take over Maura's face. "What is this? The great Dr. Maura Isles is blushing?"

"You weren't supposed to hear that." Maura spoke quietly.

"Well, I did. Now come sit." Jane patted the spot next to her. "We can catch the end of the game."

"Jane, you've already seen the end of that game. It's from 1986." Maura said with a giggle.

"But it's a good game!"

Maura and Jane sat watching tv until the food arrive. Jane thought they should eat at the table but Maura said no, she wanted Jane to relax and be comfortable.

After dinner, Maura did as promised and ran Jane a nice hot bath before ushering Jane to the bathroom and then returning to the living room to clean.

While in the bath, Jane did a lot of thinking. Planning actually. She was planning the date that she was going to ask Maura on. She had given it time since confessing her feelings, she wanted to make sure Maura felt the same. Now that she was sure, she was planning a rather elaborate first date.

Maura had told Jane about all the dates she had been on and now Jane knew how to top them. She knew just how to do it, too.

~*~*~

"Hmm. Jane's been in the bath quite a while. I wonder if I should go check on her?" Maura thought out loud as she looked at the clock.

It was now after 10, Jane had been in the bath for over an hour. Maura made her way up the stairs, into the master bath. The site before her caused a wave of panic to rush over her.

There in front of her was Jane, seemingly unconscious in the tub. Flashbacks of the night Jane attempted to take her own life flashed before Maura's eyes as she ran to Jane's side calling her name.

"Jane! Honey, wake up!" Maura yelled as she splashed the now cold water on Jane's face.

"What the fuck?!" Jane screamed as she felt the water hit her face. "What the hell was that for?"

Jane wiped the water from her eyes just in time to see Maura wipe tears from her own, "Maur, what's wrong?"

"I-I thought you were unconscious." Maura choked back more tears, "I thought you tried to hurt yourself again. It didn't dawn on me that you were simply sleeping."

"Aw, Maura. I'm sorry. I didn't realize I fell asleep. I never knew how tiring desk duty could until I hadn't worked for a good 3 months." Jane reached a hand out to caress Maura's face.

"It's ok. I over reacted. I apologize."

"No. Don't apologize for that. It's understandable given semi recent events." Jane leaned forward and left a soft kiss on Maura's forehead. "You know what you could do though?"

"What?"

"Get me a towel. I'm freezin' my tits off in here." Jane spoke with a chuckle.

It had completely skipped Maura's mind that Jane was naked in the tub. The last time she had seen Jane this way was when Jane wasn't breathing. Maura suddenly became aware just how physically attractive her best friend was. Maura could feel the change in her body, she suddenly became very warm, her heart rate increased, and her palms were becoming a bit sweaty. Not to mention the sudden increase of blood flow to her pubic region.

"Maura. Cold. Towel. Please?" Jane tried to act as if these changes had gone unnoticed to her but the dead giveaway was that Maura's once soft, loving, hazel eyes were now a more intense brown.

"Right. Towel. Sorry." Maura spoke in one word sentences as she didn't much trust her voice at the moment.

Jane watched Maura as she walked away to grab a towel. Seeing Maura look at her naked body had no doubt turned her on. More so than she remembers being in her life. She wanted Maura but she wanted to do it the right way, date first. Jane was determined to make her relationship with Maura last.

"Maura?" Jane yelled just as Maura made her way back into the bathroom. "Will you go on a date with me Saturday night?"

* * *

**Thoughts? Complaints? Anything?**

**~Eli**


	16. Chapter 16

**So I suck for takin so long to update. Sorry. _ But this one should make up for it. At least I hope so. Let me know what you guys think?**

**Also italics are text messages. Otay? Otay.**

* * *

"I'm gunna throw up."

Jane was pacing her brother's living room, hands wringing, brow sweaty. Maura had agreed to the date and Jane was at Frankie's house asking for pointers. She had never been the one to make the first move.

"You'll be fine, Janie." Frankie took Jane by the shoulders, "It's Maura. She's already your best friend, that's half the battle."

"Yeah well what if we don't work out as more than friends?"

"Shit happens. At least you tried. What happens if you don't and end up spendin' the rest of your life wondering what could have been?"

"When did you become so damn philosophical?" Jane stared at Frankie with a confused look.

"Around the same time I followed your lead and decided to stop living a lie." Frankie smiled at his older sister.

"Who woulda thought Ma would have two gay kids?"

"Ma sure as hell didn't." Frankie laughed.

Jane shook her head with a smile, "Speaking of gay; any luck with the fellas?"

"About as much as I had with the ladies. So, ya know, none whatsoever."

"You'll find someone, I did." Jane smiled and hugged her brother, "But I gotta get goin'. The cleaner closes in an hour and if I don't pick up my pants, I'm screwed."

* * *

"Did she tell you where she was taking you?"

"No. However, knowing Jane, it is elaborately planned." Maura came out of the fitting room, "Susie, how about this one?"

Senior Criminalist Susie Chang had been invited dress shopping with Maura for her big date. Susie eagerly accepted the chance to get to know her boss better and possibly gain a new friend in the process.

"It's very elegant, Dr. Isles."

"Susie, we aren't at work, please call me Maura."

"Sure thing, Dr. I- I mean, Maura." Susie was having a hard time adjusting the difference between boss/employee and friends. "I really like that one but do you think it'll be too elegant if Detective Rizzoli only planned something simple?"

Maura spun in front of the boutique mirrors, "You're right. I wonder if I can at least get her to tell me how to dress for the occasion?"

_Maura: Jane, I know what you have planned for the date is a surprise but could you tell me how to dress for the occasion?_

_Jane: Um... Not too dressy? Which i guess for you means some dress that's only marginally cheaper than one of the dresses you wear to work?_

_Maura: Little black dress, dressy. Or nice jeans, blouse, and heels?_

_Jane: Lbd. Definitely. :)_

"We need to find a little black dress." Maura smiled.

"Little black dress? Sounds pretty fancy for baseball and beer Detective Rizzoli." Susie jokingly raised an eyebrow.

"I agree. However, I can't wait!"

* * *

"I have reservations for two at 7." Maura could hear the nerves in Jane's voice.

"Name?" The hostess sounded less than amused.

"Rizzoli."

"Oh! Detective, right this way."

The hostess led Jane and Maura to a secluded table towards the back of the restaurant. Maura was quite impressed. The restaurant was fairly quiet for a Saturday night and it seemed Jane and herself had the best table in the entire place.

"How did she know you are a detective?" Maura inquired.

"I called in a personal favor. The owner of this place is the father of a workin' girl case I had when I was still in uniform." Jane quietly explained, "His daughter ran away from home, got into the wrong crowd and ended up turning tricks. We found her and a john dead in some high-class hotel. Apparently her and this john fell in love and she wasn't charging him anymore. The pimp found out and offed 'em both."

"Killed for being in love? This world is ridiculous." Maura shook her head and hoped nothing like that would ever happen to Jane and herself.

Jane nodded in agreement. "Anyway, I came across the pimp workin' another case and recognized him from the dad's description. Took the guy down and now he's servin' 2 life sentences for the murders plus 10 years for selling girls and another 15 for stealing the john's money and all that. But it turns out Alyssa, the workin' girl, and her john had gotten married and the john left all his money to Alyssa if anything happened to him and Alyssa left it to he dad if anything happened to her. So, here we are, Alyssa's."

"So the father told you-"

"If you ever need ANYTHING Officer Rizzoli, you call me." Maura was interrupted by an older man who had walked up to the table. "Though I hear it's Detective Rizzoli these days."

"Carmine!" Jane stood and hugged the man. "How are you?"

"Can't really complain. Business is doin' good. The missus is home with the kids, they're sick." Carmine looked to the ground, "Alyssa's birthday is next month. We're goin' to Roxbury to give the workin' girls money. Try to get them off the street for the night. You think you'd wanna join us?"

"I'd love to, Carmine. I'll leave my number with the hostess, call a week before so I can get the day off."

"Thanks, Detective."

Jane stood and hugged the man again, "Call me Jane. Please?"

"Ok, Jane. But dinner's on the house tonight. Have a good night ladies." Carmine turned and left with a tear in his eye before Jane could argue the free meal.

Maura reached for Jane's hand as the detective sat again. Maura was silent for a moment, running her thumb over the harsh scar in the middle of Jane's hand. In that moment, as strange and disturbing as it seemed, Maura thanked whatever higher being she could think of for the existence of Charles Hoyt. If it weren't for Charles Hoyt, Jane and Maura may never have admitted their feelings for each other. They wouldn't be sitting in this restaurant, on a date. All of this happiness stemmed from the chaos and pain that Charles Hoyt caused.

"Hey." Jane spoke softly as she wiped a tear from Maura's cheek. "What's wrong?"

"Oh goodness. I hadn't realized I was crying." Maura pulled her hand back to wipe away the tears Jane missed. "Jane, do you know what Kismet is?"

"Uh... Frankie dated a girl named Kismet once I think."

Maura chuckled and shook her head, "Kismet is the Arabic word for destiny. Do you believe in destiny?"

Jane was silent for a moment, clearly thinking about the question. "Yes. Most definitely. Hoyt was part of mine which made you a part of my destiny, too."

"Hah." Maura chuckled again, "I was just thinking the exact thing. I must have started crying because I actually thought I was glad that Charles Hoyt had been alive at one point. Had he never been born-"

"We may not be here right now." Jane finished Maura's sentence.

Maura looked up into Jane's eyes, she expected to see pain and sorrow but was surprised to see a smile gracing the detective's face. She couldn't help but smile back. At first, she was unsure of dating her best friend. Maura had never had a best friend before and didn't want to lose her if dating didn't work. However, in this moment, she knew she had made the right decision.

Jane pulled Maura from her thoughts as she raised her beer bottle, "To Hoyt. Cause without that sick fuck in my life, I may never have gotten the nerve to tell you I was in love with you."

Maura gave a hearty laugh, raised her wine glass, clinked it with Jane's beer bottle and took a small sip as Jane emptied her beer in one pull.

"So, whatya hungry for?" Jane smiled as she opened her menu.


	17. Chapter 17

**Look, I'm alive. Lmao. Not much of an author's note this time, just letting you know that the stuff in Italics is a dream.**

* * *

_"Jane! It's time!" A frantic Maura shook Jane from her sleep. _

_"Hmph." Jane groaned and mumbled something about needing more sleep. _

_"No more sleep. Jane it's TIME!" Maura punctuated the last word with an elbow to Jane's ribs. _

_"Wait. Time as in ... " _

_"As in my water just broke and we need to get to the hospital before I deliver this baby right here in bed!"_

"Holy shit!"

"Language. What's wrong? Another nightmare?" Maura asked as she rolled over and rubbed Jane's arm.

Jane blinked rapidly, making sure it was indeed a dream, "No. Not a nightmare. I need water."

The dark haired detective left the bed and the room at a rather quick pace. Maura was left sitting in be wondering what happened. She wanted to know what had caused Jane to sit bolt upright at 4 am.

"Jane?" Maura called as she walked down the stairs to find Jane in the kitchen drinking a beer. "I thought you needed water?"

"Yeah..." Jane's voice trailed off as she read the label on the bottle, "I needed water that also happens to have barley and hops in it."

Maura couldn't help but laugh. There was Jane, clad in the shortest pair of shorts Maura had ever seen, and a sports bra. The dark, curly hair was thrown up in a messy ponytail and chocolate brown eyes were covered by olive colored eyelids as Jane took a long swig from the bottle. Maura also noticed a sheen covering Jane's skin. She absent mindedly ran her fingertips over a well toned bicep, the skin beneath her fingers was hot to the touch and had a light coating of sweat. This seemed odd because it was a very comfortable 68 degrees in the house, as opposed to the chilly 40 degrees outside.

"Are you ok, Jane?"

"More than ok." Jane spoke as she finished her beer.

Truth be told, the dream excited Jane. She hadn't always wanted children but to think that her first born would look like Maura made her want them.

"Will you tell me about the dream?"

Jane stepped toward Maura and kissed the shorter woman on the forehead, "It's all good. Happy dreams. Let's go back to bed."

~*~*~*~

"So how was the date, Rizzoli?"

Jane had barely made it in the door to the homicide squad room before Korsak and Frost were bombarding her with questions.

"Did you take her to a fancy restaurant? Chicks love fancy." Frost asked as he nudged Jane with his shoulder.

"She probably took the doc to the Robber. Rizzoli here is a creature of habit. Twenty bucks says Rizzoli got a burger, extra fries, and a couple of beers." Korsak laughed and high fived Frost.

"Can I at least get to my d-"

"Rizzoli!" Jane was interrupted by Cavanaugh.

"Yes sir?"

"How was the date?" Cavanaugh sat on the edge of Jane's desk.

"Do you guys have a pool goin' or something?" Jane looked between the three men surrounding her desk. "Whoever wins better gimme a cut."

"I said you were gunna take her to the Robber." Korsak confessed.

"I had some fancy restaurant where you couldn't even read the menu 'cause it was in French and the doc had to read it to you." Frost smirked and dodged the paper ball thrown at his head.

"Lieu?" Jane asked.

"I said you talked your Ma into cookin' something and stayin' home."

"Well you're all wrong. We went to Alyssa's and I got prime rib, not a burger, and I could read the menu."

"Ha! I win!" Frost did a victory dance.

"How?" Korsak and Cavanaugh asked.

"Well I was the closest. It's a fancy restaurant."

"You all lose. Pony up, boys." Jane stuck out her hand as Frost, Korsak, and Cavanaugh begrudgingly placed a twenty in Jane's palm. "Sixty bucks? Not bad for a free meal."

"Free meal? What'd you do? Make Dr Isles pay?" Frost asked.

"Long story short, I helped the owner out way back when and dinner was on the house. There's no arguin' with Carmine Diamante."

The rest of the afternoon at BPD was rather uneventful. There were no new murders and all of Frost, Korsak, and Jane's cases were pretty much closed, just a few loose ends to tie up with paper work.

Jane had been so immersed in her paper work that she nearly jumped out of her seat when she felt a tap on her shoulder.

"For fuck sake, Maur," Jane was placed a hand over her rapidly beating heart, "Don't sneak up on me like that."

"Language, Detective. I do apologize though. I came to bring you something to eat, it's after two and I haven't seen or heard from you all day."

"Detective? She call you that in bed, Rizzoli?" Frost joked as he looked around his computer screen.

"Frost, if you know what's good for you, you'll shut your trap and get back to your paper work!" Jane shot Frost a glare before turning back to Maura, "Don't listen to him, thank you for lunch."

Maura tried to cover her blush as she handed Jane her quinoa wrap, "We haven't even had sex yet."

Jane eyed her lunch and dropped it on her desk, "I know that but they don't. I don't feel the need to tell them **everything**, Maur."

"Are you… mad because we haven't had sex?" Maura sounded hurt.

"What?! No!" Jane ushered Maura into the break room, "Maura, this isn't about sex. If it were about sex, I would have slept with you the time I kissed you in your kitchen. Hell, if this were about sex, I probably would have slept with you a long time ago. It wouldn't have been that hard."

"Are you implying that I'm 'easy', Detective?" Now Maura sounded very angry.

"No! That came out way wrong. How many times have we been half naked in front of each other? All those times changin' in the car? Or the night we were layin' on my mattress in my livin' room?" Jane grabbed Maura's hand in her own, "And can you please stop callin' me detective like that? It's kinda hot and I gotta work."

An evil grin spread across Maura's face, "Certainly. I'll let you get back to your work. Meet you by your car at 6… Detective."

"Jesus Christ!" Jane yelled as Maura left before she could respond.

Jane opened the door leading to the squad room and saw Frost and Korsak rush back to their desks, "Don't you guys have anything better to do?"

"Of course. Sorry, Detective." Frost winked and ducked behind his computer.

"This woman is going to be the death of me!" Jane huffed as she landed in her desk chair with a thud and unwrapped her lunch. "Stupid quiona wrap. Where the hell did she get the damn frowny sticker? I thought I threw them all out. Stupid sticker."

Korsak and Frost shared a laugh before catching Jane's gaze and getting back to work.

"You're tryin' to kill me. You have to be." Jane whined as she saw Maura standing at the kitchen counter cutting vegetables for dinner.

"What are you talking about, Jane?"

"You're wearin' like fuckin' 6 inch heels and a red leather mini skirt to chop veggies?" Jane raised an eyebrow, "I told you this wasn't about sex."

Maura exhaled with a huff and place the knife on the counter, "First of all, they're 4 inches. Secondly, I know it isn't about sex, Jane. However, I do know that you haven't had sex since Agent Dean and remember, having sex produces-"

"Some kind of goop that helps prevents colds, I know." Jane interrupted, "But I don't care if I get a cold, Maura! I don't wanna have sex just to avoid getting' a fuckin' cold! I wanna have sex because we love each other! Fuckin' a!"

Before Maura could respond, Jane was storming out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

"I do love you." Maura whispered as a tear rolled down her cheek.


	18. Chapter 18

**Hello all, I have another shortish update. I've written nonstop the last few days and thought since I sucked about updating for so long that I'll start updating more. I hope you enjoy.**

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"I don't know, Jane. The doc is gunna have our balls in a vice if you get plastered." Frost eyed Jane as she downed a beer in two gulps.

"He's right, Janie." Korsak added.

"Do I look like I give a flyin' fuck?" Jane whistled at the bartender for another beer, "I'm a grown woman. Do I really need permission to get drunk? Besides, tomorrow is my day off and I plan on spendin' the entire day in bed."

"Ok but if she asks, this was all your idea." Jane nodded as Frost finished his sentence and ordered a beer for himself.

"I just don't know what to do, guys. I love Maura, no doubt about it, but what if she doesn't feel the same way?"

Korsak sipped his beer and thought for a second before answering, "If she didn't love you, do you really think she'd be lettin' you sleep in her bed? Hell, do you think she'd even let you live in her house?"

Jane rolled her eyes, "She only did that 'cause she felt bad that I tried to off myself."

"That's bullshit, Jane and you fuckin' know it. Dr Maura Isles is just as much in love with you as you are with her! You don't see it but we do." Frost hated when people pitied themselves.

"What is there to see, Frost? Huh? That I'm in love with a woman way outta my league? How about seein' that I've never once had a long lastin' stable relationship?" Jane was getting drunker by the minute and clearly angrier by the second. "I mean, fuck, I can't even have a short-lived, unstable relationship."

"That's bullshit too. You told us that you and Casey were on and off since high school." Korsak chimed in, "You loved him."

"No. I didn't love him. There is no past tense on love, Korsak. If you ever truly love someone, you always will. There's no fallin' out of love. I thought I was in love with him, big difference. I was in love with the idea of not being alone for once in my fuckin' miserable life. Casey was the one constant, even when he was overseas; he was more constant than anything else. Well expect for my job but constant death kinda fuckin' sucks."

The three detectives continued drinking. Vince Korsak and Barry Frost tried convincing Jane that the feelings she had for Maura were the same feelings Maura had for Jane. Even Morris, the bartender chimed in a couple of times throughout the night to say he thought they had been together for a long time. Eight beers later, Frost and Korsak called it a night, unlike Jane they had to work in the morning.

Jane pulled her phone from her pocket and dialed, "Frankie?"

"What's up, Janie? You should like shit."

Jane took another swig of her beer, "I'm at the Robber, Korsak and Frost bailed, come hang out with your big sister?"

"Gimme 15 minutes, I'll be there."

Jane let out a breath she didn't know she was holding, "Thanks, Frankie."

She didn't want to be alone right now, she needed someone there for her. She knew she could go back to Maura's but that's what she was running from at the moment. Running, Jane Rizzoli never ran from anything, until now. The thought of being in love and in a long-term, committed relationship scared her more than anything else ever had. It scared her more than Hoyt. Jane knew she was in love, but the thought that someone could love her, despite her scars, job, and all her other flaws, it didn't make sense.

The detective sat alone at the bar, drinking beer after beer, taking shot after shot, until Frankie showed up. She couldn't believe she'd drank 3 beers in the 15 minutes it took her brother to get there but she had. The bartender was ready to cut her off until Frankie showed up.

"This is your last one, Rizzoli. I won't have a drunk cop leavin' my place and smashin' up cars and shit."

"Alright, just one more with my brother and I'm done. Promise," Jane slowly sipped the full beer in front of her, determined to make it last.

"So, what's up, Janie?" Frankie looked a little worried.

"I don't fuckin' know. I feel like shit's goin' downhill with Maura." Jane took another sip of her beer followed by a deep breath, "I had this dream."

"Another dream about Hoyt? Are you ok?"

"No, not about Hoyt. Why the fuck does everyone think everything is about fuckin' Charles Hoyt?!" Another deep breath, "It was about me and Maura. She was pregnant. Like we were together and havin' a kid and I don't know, it fucked me up."

Frankie looked confused, "Why is that a bad thing? I'm lost here."

"Because I'd be a shitty fuckin' parent, that's why it's a bad thing. Look at me, Frankie; I'm sittin' in the Robber drunk off my ass at 9 o'clock on a fuckin' Tuesday!"

"Fuck, Janie, so what?! You've been almost killed how many fuckin' times? I think that means you're allowed to get trashed every once in a while. And what's this shit about bein' a horrible parent? You'd be a great parent."

"Remember that hamster we had when we were kids?"

Frankie laughed, "Sir Wigglesworth. He was a fuckin' cool hamster."

"I ran him over with the vacuum cleaner."

"I thought Ma said the dog got him? You killed Sir Wigglesworth?"

Jane nodded her head as she took another sip of her beer, "Jeez, Jane. That doesn't mean you're gunna be a shitty mother. That just means you're a hamster killer."

Jane laughed with her brother. She needed this, she and Frankie were always really close but after being in the hospital, she was afraid to be around him as much. She was afraid she'd say something that would upset him but now she realized just how much she needed her baby brother. Maybe he was right, maybe she would be a good mother.

"Wanna gimme a ride home? I'm pretty fuckin' drunk." Jane laughed as she chugged the rest of her beer.

"Sure thing, Jane, let's go."

The ride from The Robber to Maura's house was filled with jokes, bad singing, and laughter between the Rizzoli siblings. Once at Maura's house, things got quiet.

"Just tell her how you feel, Jane." Frankie squeezed his big sister's knee, "What's the worst that could happen?"

"You've said that to me before."

"Yeah and look how well that date went! Matter of fact, I have a date Friday night, let me talk to him, maybe we can make it a double." Frankie pushed the button to unlock the doors and gave Jane a little shove, "Now go get your woman!"

Jane exited the car and slowly walked toward the door. The cold air felt good on her hot skin, she looked back to see Frankie waiting in the car and motioning her along. Jane finally made it to the, unlocked it at quietly as possible, and then closed it just as quietly once she was inside.

"Maura?" She called out. Part of her hoped there would be no answer; that Maura was sleeping.

"In the kitchen," Maura yelled from behind the kitchen door.

"Maur," Jane sat at the island in the middle of the kitchen. "Can we talk?"

"Certainly, would you like some tea?"

"No thanks." Jane was silent for a moment while Maura continued cleaning up the kitchen. "Can you sit down please? This is important."

Maura stopped and looked in Jane's eyes. Maura had never seen that look in Jane's eyes before, it was a mixture of desperation, sadness, and if Maura was correct, fear, "Of course, I'm sorry, Jane. What is it?"

"I…" Jane stopped and took a deep breath, "I love you, Maur."

"I know, Jane."

"No, you don't. I know I've said I love you before but you don't understand. This is so much more than goin' on one date." Jane stood and began to pace, "I think I wanna spend my life with you. Like, marry you. I know we've only had one date but I don't need to go on dates with you to know how I feel about you. I feel like for the last 7 years we've been in a relationship and everyone knew it but us. Ya know?"

Maura didn't speak; she simply nodded her head and let Jane continue, "Maura, I'm gettin' better because of you, for you. If it wasn't for you, I don't know if I woulda made it this far. I probably woulda tried killin' myself the same night I got outta the hospital. Don't get me wrong though, I don't want you to marry like this second. There's still a lot that we don't know about each other. Well, we know almost everything about each other but we don't know the things that couples should know about each other. Does that ma-"

Jane's sentence was cut short when Maura stood and firmly planted her lips against Jane's. At first, Jane wasn't sure what to do, should she kiss back? Should she pull away? She decided to kiss back. The two kissed for what seemed like forever before Jane broke away.

"Can we go upstairs?" Maura didn't wait for an answer before she grabbed Jane by the hand and led her upstairs to the master bedroom.

Once upstairs, Maura led Jane to the bed, placing her hand in the middle of Jane's chest, Maura gave a soft push. Jane landed on the bed with a small bounce and attempted to lie down but Maura stopped her.

"Jane," Maura grabbed the seated woman by the shoulders, "I love you too."

Maura placed a soft kiss on Jane's lips before kneeling on the floor in front of the detective. Jane was about to protest but Maura saw it coming and shushed her. Maura ran her hands up Jane's legs, feeling the rough denim beneath her fingers, and stopped on at the button fly. Before she went any further, Maura looked into Jane's eyes, silently asking for permission, when Jane didn't protest Maura undid the jeans and gave them a soft tug. Jane took the hint and raised her hips slightly so that Maura could pull the jeans off.

Suddenly, Jane felt very exposed. She wasn't exactly sure why. Jane had been partially, and that one time fully, nude in front of Maura before they admitted their feelings for each other so why does she suddenly feel so exposed? Jane was torn, part of her wanted Maura to stop but most of her wanted Maura to continue. Maybe this would wipe away the fears Jane had about their relationship.

"Do you want me to stop?" Maura looked worried when she finally looked into Jane's eyes.

"Honestly, Maur, I don't know…" Jane hung her head, how could she not know whether she wanted this.

"Just say it, Jane and I'll stop. I want you to be comfortable."

Jane took a deep breath, something she had done a lot of lately, "Keep going."

"Are you sure?"

"If I get uncomfortable, I'll let you know."

Maura pulled Jane's pants and shoes off, she had to smile to herself; Maura hated those damn boots, they were horribly worn out and frankly, they smelled strange but Jane loved them. Jane was sitting on the king sized be in boy shorts and one of her many Red Sox shirts, Maura smiled again, Jane was gorgeous no matter what she wore. Here she was, black boy shorts, a faded Sox shirt, hair a mess, and clearly still a bit drunk but Maura swore it was one of the most beautiful sites she'd seen in her entire life, and Maura had seen the sunset on white sand beaches in Aruba, but that couldn't even come close to the way Jane looked right now.

"Beautiful." Maura whispered.

"Huh?"

"Did I say that out loud?" Jane nodded as Maura finished her question, "You're just so beautiful, Jane. I can't believe how lucky I am to have you."

Jane didn't speak, she simply pulled Maura into a heated kiss. This time it was Maura to break the kiss, she left only enough room between them to remove the shirt she had worn. It was then that Jane noticed what Maura was wearing, they were Jane's clothes. Jane felt her heart soar; Maura never wore Jane's clothes, not even to bed. Maura, like Jane had said before, always looked like she was about to walk the runway of some Parisian fashion show, yet seeing the doctor in sweat pants and another one of Jane's Red Sox shirts, Jane knew what true beauty was.

"Are you sure you're ready for this, Jane? I promise I will not be disappointed or upset if you say no."

Jane kissed Maura again, "I'm more than sure."

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**Ok, I'm sorry about the cliff hanger there but I want the next chapter to be perfect and just... yeah. Did you like it?**


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